Something In The Shadows
The low whistle of the Autumn wind brings her wayward thoughts to a halt. Even with the music playing in her ears, the sound manages to bring her back to reality. The leaves dance along the pavement as she looks straight ahead, wondering if the feeling of being watched was all in her head.
This was the same route she took everyday. These are the same streets her feet tread across everyday. These are the same houses she often finds herself staring at as she day dreams everyday. It was like clockwork, walking down the same route twice a day, everyday.
She keeps her gaze forward, occasionally allowing her eyes to wander, trying to catch the movement that flickers in her peripheral gaze. It had to be in her head. It had to be. It had to-
Her legs stop moving before her mind can catch up. What was that? The sound of her thumping heart overpowers the sound of the music currently blasting through her earphones. 1... 2... 3... she's counting in her head, trying to ease her mind, trying to ease her heart. She stops counting on an even number.
Slowly, she looks away from the shadowed corner on the other side of the street. It was probably a cat. Her heartbeat calms, and the clogs in her brain begin to whirr again. She's back to thinking about how the world keeps changing and how she doesn't know how to keep up.
Everything is always changing. The faces she meets, the food she eats, the places she visits, the links she clicks on. Why is everything always changing? Her feet stop again and she's wondering, she's questioning why she keeps feeling like there are eyes watching her.
It was a sensation she couldn't shake. The shadowed corners seem to be following her. Her brain can't form a good enough reason why as she continues thinking about all the changes in the world. Someone walks past, their blue eyes staring her down and her feet begin to move again. Nothing can happen if there's other people on the street. Someone would see if she was being followed, someone would point it out, right? She looks around, feeling the eyes on her, it's like everyone can sense her paranoia.
She quickens her pace, her thoughts in overdrive. She's wondering if she signed off that final report and if she remembered to lock her front door. She always walks away and then runs back to check if the door is locked but she was sure that she might have forgotten to lock it this time. Her mind clears as she takes a left turn.
There's a shadow to the left in front of her, there's a shadow growing and then disappearing behind her. There are shadows everywhere and they all seem to be watching her. Waiting for her mind to stop thinking so they can close in and consume her. She couldn't let that happen. She's trying to remember what she had for lunch. She pictures the sandwich, perfectly sectioned off because she can't handle her tomatoes touching the bread.
Her breathing quickens and without her realising, she's running. She's running away from the shadows in her mind, the shadows surrounding her body. She's internally screaming, wishing them away. It feels like something is grabbing onto her chest as they squeeze, squeeze the oxygen out of her lungs. She's thinking again, thinking about change and thinking about her friends.
She's thinking about how she hasn't seen her friends in months, how she keeps making excuses not to see them. She's thinking about the text messages that lay open and un-responded to in her inbox. She's thinking about how she hates talking about herself, her life. She's thinking about how she always feels like her friends are judging her. She's trying to clear her mind, the shadows seem to like her mind being busy. She couldn't let them take over. She shakes her head, breaths speeding and eyes stinging.
She comes to a halt, leans against the wall of her house as she slides down, placing her head between her legs, hands over her head. 'You're home, you're safe' she keeps repeating to herself. 'Nothing, no one can harm you here'. She holds her breath, trying to picture her family. The family she hasn't seen in over a year. She's scared to reach out, scared they won't accept her. Scared they will realise the demons inside her head. Scared they will see the shadows that consume her mind.
They always asked why she was quiet, why she sat in a corner with a book in hand and earphones in her ears. They always asked why she didn't want to join their dinners or wouldn't interact with their relatives, but they didn't understand.
They didn't understand the consuming feeling in her chest, the feeling of being ripped apart and sewn back together. They didn't understand how hard it was to make eye contact with someone new, how hard it was to form a sentence when their looking at you like you're crazy. They didn't understand the shadows that linger in the corner of the house or in the back of her mind.
They just didn't understand.
And so the shadows disappear with an air of accomplishment. They got what they wanted. They wanted a broken shell, they got their broken shell. Slowly, she stands from her foetal position. And by routine, she unlocks the door, closes the door and locks it. She walks into the kitchen before running back to check that she has locked it.
Stay lovely x.
A/N: Original photo credit to owner.
